Friday, March 16, 2007

In Tom Petty's song "Walls", he sings, "Some days are diamonds, some days are rocks." I must admit my days (and mostly nights, when your brain isn't occupied with the daily bullshit and you're forced to think about things) have been pretty rocky. Sleep doesn't come with ease. It only arrives with utter exhaustion. Diamonds are rare. Little lights of sunshine, with an occasional laugh, feel great. They give me hope that in time, although things will NEVER be the same, I'll feel a bit brighter on the inside. My dad is on my mind constantly. It's in a good way: I think back to a fond memory, or hear what he'd be saying about a topic that's just crossed my ears. But always soon after, the saddness creeps in. We were close. I spoke to him everyday. During the week, 3 o'clock was our time. Three o'clock now arrives daily with pain. I miss him so much. It doesn't help baseball is back. Baseball was our biggest common denominator (besides my son Ryno). Yep, it hurts. Take care. Later, Butch
P.S. If you don't have a team, or really don't follow baseball, make the Cubs yours. My Papa is working a deal upstairs. This is the year!

Monday, March 12, 2007

Last Friday night was a wonderful experience. I needed something, even if it dealt with emotions again. My son (who turns 13 next week) had his first gig. He plays bass guitar. It was his school's talent show. Sound familar? I think for many of us our first gig was a school talent show. For me it was The Cars "Let's Go", followed by Cheap Trick's "My Baby Loves To Rock" at drummer and friend Ivan's Junior High School. We were bad, and it was glorious. I'll never ever forget that first gig. I felt empowered. Anyway, 4 days till the gig he comes home bummed that the singer and drummer bailed. I called the guy running the show. I told him my son would still do the gig only my old friend (and original Groovy Cool band mate) Nino Perkola would be on drums, and I would be singing. The guy said no problem. So there I found myself Friday night jamming to "Wild Thing" with my kid to my left rockin' the bass. It was neat. I didn't feel old, I felt close and proud. I hope he can get out of that Fender bass what I've gotten out of my Telecaster: pure enjoyment. Passing the torch can be sweet especially when the torch bearer ain't done burnin' his torch just yet. Rock on Ryno! Take care. Later,
Butch

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Sunday, February 25th was the worst day of my life (up until now of course, as I know life has unbelievable ups and horrible horrible downs). My father, my hero, my friend passed away. I didn't see it coming although signs were there he was sick, very sick. He kept stuff from me as not to worry me. The pain I am feeling is one that is much too extreme to explain. It's a lonely desperate heartbreaking panic that leaves you feeling broken and empty, sad and confused. It's been a fucking nightmare that I've so so wanted to wake from. Reality is harsh. The tears seem never to end, never to lessen. Knowing I'll never share a laugh, a Cubs game, a moment of enlightenment with the man I've loved more than any other (except for my son) is at times too much to take. My memories are vast and brillant. Nothing left unsaid or unexpressed here. We understood, accepted, and loved each other very very much. He was beyond a father and mentor to me. He was my friend. He took Cubs losses just as hard, he enjoyed family road trips just as much, he lived life just as focused on that which will sustain you. I thank all those who have been so tender and wonderful to both me and my family these past few days. It really is comforting. I have faith God will help us all, that this too shall pass. I know it'll never be the same but that life will continue. We will all have great times in the future, they just might be lacking something (my dad). Don't worry about me. I have many close and supportive people around me. I just need time to mend these wounds. May God bless my father as He blessed me by giving me such a loving and wonderful father. I love you Papa. Thanks for still talking to me in my daily thoughts. You will always be with me. Take care. Later,
Butch